The food issues I wrote about last week have not left the building., but I am not giving up on myself. I have been going through some internal bullshit lately, and through processing all of that with prayer and thought and a willingness to figure it all out…well, the food stuff has been on the bottom of the list. I still felt a little lost when I woke up this morning, and then some answers to specific questions easily found their way into my day, and right now, at least, things are looking up. So here’s to the good stuff…
My office window is open and the air smells wonderful, like a drug. I can hear birds and the traffic on 40, and there is a soft rain falling on and off. Just as I typed that, the sun broke through…
I have a son who chooses to go to the gym or go see his girlfriend perform in guard competitions instead of drinking or doing drugs. He hangs out with his girlfriends’ little brother just because “Tanner is a cool kid” and he babysits my friends’ kids in a pinch without complaint. He saves every birthday card he had ever received. He is on A/B honor roll. His worst crime is forgetfulness, and he can always make me laugh.
I have a husband who loves me. Not just the me that’s agreeable and sweet. He loves all of me. My whineyness. My bitchy moods. My hair that I forget to clean out of the shower drain. My mistakes. We have a lot of fun together, and although we may not always be on the same page when it comes to religion or music or whatever, that’s what matters…the fun stuff. He too can always make me laugh.
We leave for vacation in 2 weeks and 3 days, where we will spend a week here, the first part of it with my parents and some other extended family. During this stressful time of year at work, this thought is what gets me through a lot of my days.
Kev dropped a small antique bowl on the ceramic top of our range last week, and it left a spiderweb-like crack throughout the entire surface. I have been a bit grouchy about this since, as who wants to spend money on a stove? This morning I decided that I want stainless steel…if we have to get a new one, it might as well be something I can get excited over.
I went to a cousin’s baby shower over the weekend and spent some quality time with Grams. It had been awhile since we had laughed like that. It was a good day.
Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it’s been clear
Here comes the sun,
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right
- George Harrison
I tend to avoid posting when I’m feeling down, and I have been feeling down again. This morning I remembered that the whole reason I started blogging in the first place was to get some of the shit in my head out. To purge it and examine it and read it a few times and maybe make sense of it, so I could maybe let whatever it was go. So here goes.
I don’t know if my issues with food come from my depression, or my depression comes from my food issues. Either way I was drowning in them both a little last night. I did great food-wise all day, but my back has been hurting all week, and I got home thinking I would take the dogs for a walk, as it was a sunny 40+ degree day, but when I got out of the car I had an excruciating pain shoot down my left leg from my lower back every time I took a step. I knew a dog walk, with all the pulling and excitability that comes with the first walk of the season, was not a good idea. I decided to sit in my rocker recliner (which I wanted for these very types of days, as something about the angle and the rocking motion really helps when my back is acting like a little bitch-face mother fucker) for a bit and see if it helped, but then the sitting “for a bit” turned into hours, and then I started eating. I ate my planned dinner and plan post-dinner low carb coconut bar. I was totally full and satisfied and within my calorie goals and would have been fine not eating again for the rest of the day, but I ate anyway. Another coconut bar. A cheese stick. Some almonds. An almond granola bar. A bowl of cereal. A blueberry bagel with REAL cream cheese. And then I was close to tears because even though I was full to the point of almost feeling sick, I still wanted MORE. Whatever it was I was feeding inside of me was no where near ready to stop. I did stop, but mainly because JP came out of the office and we watched Survivor and I didn’t want him to see me being a pig.
That was very hard to write and at the same time it felt good.
I’ll be honest here, as the title of this post commands me to, I can’t go off program. Ever. This is what happens when I allow myself 1 day. It turned into a weekend. Which turned into 3 days. Which turned into 6. I am addicted to sugar. The first few days I am off it are awful, and then I just don’t think about it, but then if I have it again…
It is truly a drug for me. JP too. Last night he kept talking about how he wanted skittles all day, but he didn’t get them and he wasn’t going to. I knew he didn’t need them nor did I need anything bad, but I couldn’t stop thinking about having something, something bad. I wanted him to go. I didn’t care about anything at that moment except getting my fix. He didn’t, and I’m glad one of us had some willpower last night.
So, I got on the scale this morning, after 7 days of being off the wagon, and I was sure it would be up past where I started almost 4 weeks ago. It wasn’t, thank you Jesus. 183.8. 3.4 pounds in 7 days. Probably more, as I started eating last Friday, but last Tuesday was the last time I weighed myself. I haven’t been posting as I was scared to admit this, to admit I have failed once again, not just to you guys (my many faithful readers) but to myself.
All I can do now is start again, and remind myself next time I want a day off that there are no days off for me. I can’t do anything in moderation when it comes to food. I am either healthy and strict or out of control. The right now of this is always hard for me. All day today I will come up against challenges, and I will have to tell myself, again and again, that I just have to make it through today. Just one day of control. I’ll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. Today is a co-worker’s birthday. They are having a pitch-in downstairs. It smells GOOOOOD. I work in a farm community and no one plays around when it comes to pitch-ins. It’s the real deal. I have to stay away. It’s just food. I’ve tasted it all before. I will drink my protein shake and eat my apple and organic pb with cinnamon and drink my black coffee flavored with splenda and I will make it through this.
And tomorrow, when I go to my cousin’s baby shower, I will stay away from the cake and the beer. By Sunday, it won’t be as hard, and by Tuesday I’ll be back to my in-control self.
Pray for me, y’all.
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.” – Socrates
So after JP’s birthday weekend, and a day or three of comfort eating, I have decided not to weigh in this morning. All is well. I am not bummed nor freaking out. It’s a new day and I am getting back on track.
So, I will be back with my regular fat Tuesday updates next week. Now on to other topics…
A big congrats to Erika, who won Quirky Girl’s give-away sponsored in part by yours truly. Hera - The Sequel will be on its way to her corner of the world in Texas shortly, and I hope she enjoys wearing it as much as I enjoyed making it…
Hera - The Sequel
Things are a tad brighter this morning in my own little corner of the world. After a few nights of some highly emotional conversation before falling asleep, I woke up this morning with a feeling of peace. Whatever either of us is going through, however down we might get from time to time, I know that we will always be okay. We have a habit of not bringing up anything negative to each other, out of fear of hurting the other one mostly, and when we do that it tends to build these little walls between us. All it takes to knock that wall down is us being open. I know it’s a cliche’, but communication is really the key to a good marriage. It’s called a cliche’ for a reason, after all. Being married sometimes comes with a lot of work, and right now is just one of those times where we have to put some work into it. I think these times are good for us…they make us appreciate what we have, and see what the other is willing to do to hold on to it. Our us is my most cherished thing, and I know that holds true for JP as well. I will follow him and expect him to follow me until my dying day, even through the rough times.
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Song of Solomon 8:6 (KJV)
Have been feeling down lately. Can’t really explain why. It could be because this has been the 7th snowiest February in our fine state in all of recorded history, mixed with February being the longest shortest month anyway. Plus February is my yearly “my job sucks donkey balls” month at work. We are leaving in less than 4 weeks for vacay, and honestly that reality is all that gets me through each day. If I can just make it to March 27…
I am, and have always been, one of those people that must always have something to look forward to. This isn’t to say that I don’t know how to live in the moment, but when you work a middle class job and live in the midwest, sometimes the everyday moments kind of suck. So I plan trips or concerts or or book club meetings or whatever, and I hold on to these plans because I know that after they have passed, those things will be the dots that connect all the boring lines of life together. When I wrote about us being boring here, I made light of it, but it is really hard for me. I like being social. I like making plans that go beyond our central hub known as the couch. This is an area where JP and I differ, and even now on his birthday weekend he would rather stay in and do nothing. We did see a movie yesterday, and we are planning to go to dinner tonight, but that’s about it. I know it’s cold and he is tired and all, but sometimes this part of “us” is bothersome. What can I do but accept it?
So, nothing much more to say than this. No new jewelry. No new sales of jewelry. My 30 day challenge has been less than effective. Oh, and I ate yesterday. A Lot. And I woke up swollen with a food hangover. Time to get back up and start over again. The eating was basically me giving in and comforting myself with it. Obviously it didn’t help, as I woke up feeling more down than yesterday. I need to just go have some coffee, wrap JP’s gifts, and put on a happy face for my buddy’s birthday.
This, my friends, is the joy of a winter in the midwest.
The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
- Dave Barry
Many apologies for not posting yesterday. The day just got away from me. Another pound down (almost) and now sitting at 180.4. I am surprisingly not frustrated by this. You know what they say, slow and steady…
So that’s almost 6 pounds in 3 weeks. Not bad. I also broke down and went to the gym last night, and it felt pretty good. Going back is always the hardest part. No gym tonight, as I have plans to hang with C at Starbucks for some Crabby time (because Crista + Abby = Crabby). How cute are we?
So I just posted these on Etsy…
crazy daisy
…and have more to come this week…
easter bonnet
silver streak
gold leaf
funeral flowers
petal pusher
As always, these are a preview of things to come here. There is still time to enter quirky girl’s give-away, so feel free to mention any of the above if they strike your fancy!
